1974

I once knew a boy who was eight years old. He existed in the murky, unsettling waters of a nightmare. He was ugly, scrawny, and stayed to himself. He was beat up on a daily basis because he was white. As he grew, he failed to realize why his skin color was a curse.

He loved history. The tales of the Arabian Nights. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. He believed in love and heroes. His aspiration was to become a hero. He knew he would spend his life trying to help people.

One day, he was at his nanny's house. All the other kids were younger than him, so he was allowed to stay up and help the nanny prepare snacks. 

Aunt Coot went outside to hang up close on the clothes line. He heard a noise from one of the back rooms of the house. He went to investigate. Two teenage black boys were doing something to a younger black girl. She looked over at him and started pushing the two boys away, telling them to stop. Even though they were bigger than him. He thought this was his chance to be a hero. He jumped in the room and told them to leave her alone. He did not realize they had no clothes on.

The two boys turned their attention to him. They jumped on him and dragged him to the floor. The young girl walked by and kicked him and called him a stupid white boy. Midway through their physical and sexual assault Aunt Coot returned. She had a broom in her hand and started beating one of the boys. The assaulted boy grabbed the brick that was holding the door open and hit the other attacker  in the head. Aunt Coot gave him a little checkup and doctored him up a little. She apologized profusely. She asked him if he could not tell anyone. She told him that child sitting was her source income. She was very poor. 

He mentioned it to one other adult and was told not to say anything because it would divide the town. He kept it to himself for years.

That little boy was me.

And there began my infatuation with death and suicide.

I don't want your fucking pity. I'm just letting you know why I stand where I do, protecting children.

Room 2A

Finally, the long drive was over. Detective P. Bear pulled into the cheap hotel where he had tracked the killer. It was going to be a long night. 

The sweat of 800 miles of asphalt, with no AC, to wash off in the shower would have to wait. First a shot of Jameson. Irish whiskey had been his sidekick since his partner had been shot 10 years ago. The cold-blooded bastard, Jeffries,  had killed  his partner his wife  and their daughter.  For what?  For a stereo  and a little silver. Or that was the story that was released. Bullshit!

As the warm whiskey slowly crawled down his throat, the cold rain fell outside. "How poetically...perfect," he mused. Phineas upholstered  his Sig and laid it on the nightstand next to the bottle of Black Label on the off chance Jeffries went hunting before dawn. Methodically, he placed his knife near the Sig, before removing his fleur-de-lis pendant given to him by his son. 

"Damn it," he thought, "why hasn't she called? It's been 2 days." He had met the woman of his dreams 2 years prior and they had fallen in love. "Focus, man, focus! The times finally here! Ten long years I've awaited this moment. I hope I don't have to shoot him. I want to hurt him real bad, and then let the judge have him." Phineas took another sip of whiskey and relived the memories of he and his partner touring in Central America and the late 80s.  They've been through High School, boot camp and the jungle together. They had decided to remain a team as law enforcement officers after their enlistment was up.

P felt migraine coming on. He grabbed the bottle of "amber answers" and tried to get to make sense of it all, but he knew there was no means to justify the end of life. He had seen enough death in the jungles of Columbia.

Written Dec 31, 2017

Fuck around and find out

I have a great idea. Let's keep fighting over the past and destroy the future. That is what everybody seems to want to do. Fuck it. Go for it. Let the government keep mind fucking you and we can kill each other off. Keep bowing before your master, "HATE." 

Fuck love. Fuck peace. Fuck forgiveness. Let's go! But be forewarned, I do not take prisoners. 

Keep your stupid rhetoric up and continue destroying this country. I will take you out. Look how far bitching and whining has got this country, so far. The more you complain the worse it gets. Keep on.

Ignore history or change history and wonder why it continues to repeat itself.

Focus on the flesh and not the spirit. Be an idiot.

But never tread on me again.

I grew up going to scool with alleged minorities, but I was the minority.

Predominantly black schools. I got my ass kicked everyday because I was white. I was called a slave master by the black kids. I was told to accept it because of the past. They were right. I did that. I had slave ships. I deserve to have my ass kicked everyday as a child.

Predominantly hispanic schools. I got my ass kicked everyday because I was white. I was called pinche gringo. I was told to accept it because I was white. I don't know what I did 200 years ago. But I guess I did it. I deserved to have my ass kicked every day as a child.

Predominantly native american schools. I got my ass kicked everyday because I was white. I was called a colonizer. I was told to accept it because I was white. They were right. I did that. I can find all natives two reservations in America. I deserved to have my ass kicked everyday is a child.

The people that bitch and moan today are the oppressors. I was a child. I could have grown up to be  racist, but I did not. I did nothing to deserve anyone's wrath. They didn't even ask. They assumed because my skin was white. That I was a slave owner, a colonizer. My bloodline is Hebrew, Irish, and Native American. We could compare charts on slavery end suppression.

I lived through hate. Many of you reside in hate. You need to pick your fucking battles before you lose the war.

Psychological Poison (Narcissistic woman)

FIRST DATE 

Me: You are drunk. Let me get you home.

Her: I don't want to go home. My boyfriend is there.

Me: You have a boyfriend? Why did not you say something?

Her: I've been looking for a reason to leave him. I think I found a reason. You are a little cuter and have a job. Just take me to a hotel room.

I got her a hotel room. Left a glass of water on her nightstand and left. She begged me to stay. I could not. She was drunk and had a BF.

I should have never called back 

‐---------------------------------------------------------

We eventually started dating. She let her ex sleep in the spare bedroom of our duplex. She gave him a pity/goodbye screw,  with me in the other room, and kicked him out.

I should have walked away.

Two years later he stopped by the duplex while I was at work. They had their fun and he stopped by my job to brag. She denied it for years, but eventually confessed.

I should have walked away. 

‐----------------------------------------------------------

Things are fine for 2 years. Then marriage. Things start changing. I start paying her way through school where she meets her many lovers. 

Monday. Her: Don't touch me. You remind me of sex with my brother.

Tuesday. Her:  Do you still find me attractive? Then why are you not touching me?

Repeat for 10 years.

Me: I have an idea. Why don't you tell me when I can touch you.

Her: You're not a man.

----‐-----------------------------------------------------

4 YEARS INTO MARRIAGE 

She came to me crying.

I asked what was wrong. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did not mean to. It was a mistake. "

"What do you mean?"

"I'm pregnant."

‐----------------------------------------------------------

Her: He's not you son.

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Her:  Everyone in my family has made something of themselves. Except you. You will always have your name on your shirt. You will always be a nobody. Why don't you go to school?

I go to school. Full time work Full time school.

Her: You're never home. I need intimacy. I've had sixteen boyfriends in the eleven years we've been married.

Her: Some people steal not for the monetary value but for the thrill of getting away with it. That's why I cheated on you. Wondering if you would catch me made the sex better.

---‐-------------------------------------------------------

Her: He's not your son. I've had sixteen lovers since we got together. I don't know who's son he is.

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Her: Your family is poor. My family is rich. Marrying you was an accident. Why don't you kill yourself?

Me: Because the life Insurance policy would not pay out. 

Her: I don't care. My parents are rich. I will get money when they die. My families fucked up but we got money. Valerie and Yvonne sexually abused Ricky, and he sexually abused me.

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Her: He's not your son.

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She drank 750ml of Crown Royal a night and accused me of overspending when I bought a laptop for work. 

She prescribed Xanax to herself.

She was a cutter. 

She blamed it all on me.

She said I was too close to confide in. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Her: In college, I used to go down to the guys' dorms to study. I would usually get drunken pass out. I would wake up naked in a bed. I know that I have sex with 6 or 7 of them on any given night. I'm lucky I did not catch anything or get pregnant.

Me: The secrets a man learns after marriage.

Her: You would not have married me if I had told you this before.

----------------------------------------------------

Her: Wake up, Don. Everybody cheats. Your sister did. Your mother did. It's not a big deal. Yvonne cheated on Martin in medical school and got herpes. David cheated on Valerie because she's a bitch. Ricky cheated on his wife because she was a bitch. The guy I'm bangin right now is married and has a 17 year old girlfriend that he plans to marry. It's just sex. You should try it.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Her: In the silence of the night,

I heard your teardrops hit the pillow.

I felt no guilt or remorse.

I'm in love with another man.

I will never give him up.

Accept it or I will divorce you.

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NEVER EVER AGAIN WILL I TRUST 

August morning, September warning.

Next month, the globalists plan on releasing a new variant of C○¥¡D. A manipulation of the original flu virus that they have been playing with for nearly a century. Military biological warfare is the same thing as gain of function.

If they can't manipulate hate and cause wars to depopulate the earth, they will create viruses. The government does not give a shit about you. They are puppets for the globalists. They keep us in line and enslaved.

Fuck Zelenskyy. Fuck Biden. They are both puppets for the globalists. They are both pedophiles. President Trump and Vladimir Putin are the only 2 men brave enough to stand and fight the NWO and George Soros.

I've studied history and government most of my life. I was parliamentarian for student government in college. I am not a man of my community, I am a man of the world. I have seen things most of you can't even imagine. I trust President Trump and Vladimir Putin more than any other political figure at this time. You should do the same. Or you can die with the rest of the sheep.

Prepare yourself.

Normal Family?

It's interesting and devastating what a child of today deems as a normal family. 

My ex-wife slept with her brother and then attacked me with resentment. She started having an affair with a 40yo man who was cheating on his wife with a 17yo. The man, Chris Pourteau, divorced his wife and married the 17yo Courtney. My ex-wife, Alison. acted a friend to his young wife and was even a bridesmaid. What better way to hide adultery? Befriend the woman that is going to marry your lover.

All the while, Alison had been lying to her family to make me look bad. Putting false perceptions in their heads. Alison was addicted to porn, an alcoholic, a pill-popper, and a cutter. Cunning as a snake, she blamed all of her problems on me. She used her study of counseling to mentally deconstruct me. 

The pedophile, that she's sleeping with took me to a concert one night with the pretext of becoming friends. During the show, Chris told me that money marries money and that I should divorce Alison or that there would be problems. He told me that he and Alison had the money, and they would ruin me. Chris said he had been humping my wife for months.

I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose my child, But if I lost the ability to take care of him, then I would lose him anyway.

As this game of cat and mouse plays out, Alison is enjoying playing games with me. One day she would tell me not to touch her. The next day, she would ask I was not touching her, if I no longer deemed her attractive. She did this for years.

This child's mother is getting her LPC license. College is where she met her lover and began one of her many affairs. She later admitted to her husband that there were 16 affairs in 11 years of marriage. She began supervising her lover as he got his LPC. A direct violation of the code of conduct and professionalethics. Her supervisor told her to be very careful. Apparently everyone knew the affair was going on.

When the husband confronted her and asked her nicely to end the affair until after the child graduated, she refused. And for the third time, told the husband that she did not need him anymore. She also told him for the third time that he was not the biological father. This broke the husband's  spirit, heart, and mind.

Now let's continue with thus "normal." The mother had 2 sisters and a brother. She slept with her brother. One of her sisters cheated on her husband in college and contracted herpes. Her brother cheated on his wife with his high school sweetheart. Her other sister was so out of touch with reality that her husband cheated on her with a woman old enough to be his mother. And finally, the mother of these 4 siblings knew about the incest, but hid it from the father.

So the young man thinks that is a normal family. I guess in today's world, it might be.

The father is still struggling with the loss of his child. The child was fed lies for years and now hates the father. Biological or not, the father still loves the child.

The father still has copies of all the emails and love notes between fhe child's mother and her lover. Many of them sexually explicit. He could have ruined careers with these items but chose not to. But now that the child is grown, the truth will be revealed.

I find it intriguing how narcissists can easily slip on the guise of a victim and blame everyone around them. Nothing is ever their fault. The closest people to them that they abuse are called evil. They lie to family and friends And slowly make them believe that the other person is bad. I know this because I lived through it.

My ex wife and her lover were both narcissists. They are now married. After I confronted them about their affair. They set out to destroy me. Their affair was wrong in many ways. Not just the sanctity, but the professional ethics. They would do anything to cover their crimes. Tell any lie. Go to any lengths. They both had money and connections. Which made it easier to create a smokescreen.

I've always had very little faith in psychology. Now I realize, in the wrong hands, it is the science of mental/emotional terrorism.

I now understand why most psychologists are liberal democrats. They are masters of displacing the blame. They project their evils and shortcomings onto others. They actually believe their delusions.

Right here, right now

Life doesn't suck. Days suck, weeks suck, and sometimes months suck, but life in general is OK. I had $7K set aside for a McDonald's reunion in BC/S, Texas. Also, to see my friends in Giddings and Wharton. And get together with a few friends from Round Rock/Austin to go to the Sherwood Forest Renaissance Festival in McDade.

The universe saw things differently. $8K later, and I still don't know if I'm going to get 100% of my hearing back.

And I had to put off my new job for a while. That's all right. Shit happens but my shovel is bigger than the pile.

This is why I don't make plans very often. I would rather surprise my friends than let them down. I guess we will try again, next year.

Loss of a Child

Be it by divorce, kidnapping, human trafficking, or death. The emptiness is a void that eats at your soul every ticking second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year for the rest of your life. You see the child everywhere, but nowhere. You hear the child crying for help in your dreams, only to wake up to the torment of emptiness. Your mind devours your heart and soul until you become an empty shell. You spend the rest of your life running away. Chasing down one bad decision after another. Hoping the next one will be the last. Tired. Seeking respite from the haunting voices in the wind. Will it ever end? Will death bring peace or amplify the abysmal darkness?

The Myth from Her Lips (revised)

You should have let me go. No early morning phone call. No coffee the morning after. 

You should have let me go. I closed the past. You opened the future. You shuffled the cards of fate and denied destiny. You read the future you desired. 

You should have let me go. No choreographed conversation from behind a mask. No promise of Halcyon days. The truths of summers' past smolder in the ash of lies. The phoenix shall rise only to fall.

You should have let me go. Our love was magic and should have remained a memory. 

Years ago I gave you a conscience. Today you expect me to clear that conscience, and absolve you of your guilt.

I do not blame you for yesterday, but I do hold you accountable for today.

Today is tomorrow's yesterday. All will be forgiven in time. But, is time not an illusion, just like your guilt. I let it go, you need to let it go. All dissipates but my love will always remain.

I should now let your memory go. Goodbye...

Let Them Be Innocent

I don't give a flying fuck if you are part of a cult of intergalactic unicorns with 737 different gender identities. If you are an adult, you can make believe and lie to yourself all day long, but do not poison our children with this shit. Pedophiles do not belong telling children what to think or do with their bodies. 

If you're too stupid to see that this is also about pharmaceutical companies making money from lifelong patients, you are part of the problem. 

I asked a neurosurgeon why a child could not be a brain surgeon. She said, "because the child does not understand the complexities of the brain. The 'neurological magic' that keeps the body going. The line between real science and science fiction is an indestructible barrier in the discipline of human physiology." Hmmmmm...

I asked another scientific colleague of mine if children could be biologists. He chuckled a little and said no. "A child's mind is not developed enough to understand the intricacies of genetics or able to comprehend the unfathomable outcome of the smallest of manipulations." Hmmmm...

Make believe and reality are separate entities. Imagination is important until it becomes the twisted driving force of manipulation and perversion of toddlers.  Let them be cowboys. Let them be Indians. Let them be pirates. Let them be dragons. Let them be heroes. Let them be villains. But most of all, let them be innocent.

Random thought

Keep chasing the dream, never settle in a lesser version of it. It's about the journey not the destination. There is an old Chinese adage that says "may all of your dreams come true but one." That one unfulfilled dream will give you reason to continue. Once all of your dreams come true, you just exist, you do not live. Dream. Inspire. 

Today's Truth

We are who we are because of who we were. Never regret your past. I have done things, and I have not done things. I would not change any of it. I'm glad I failed as an athlete and musician. I was humbled. I've slept under a bridge and eaten from a soup kitchen , I've sipped a martini in a Manhattan high rise while eating lobster. 

Now I feed the homeless and help the hopeless. I understand.  We are here to help each other. Humanity is one. The only label you should wear is that of a human.

Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery.