What Is Life

When I was five years old, I was aware of the world. I was aware of God. I was enchanted with life. I thought life would be perfect. I thought I would live forever. And then came the darkness. The violent. The pain. The shame. The fear. The weakness. I became a target. 

First suicide attempt at nine years old. I remember crawling down the ladder into the swimming pool and pushing away. I remember the pain and panic of breathing water. I remember my spirit leaving my body, looking down upon myself in the water, and thinking it was finally over. Darkness. Flash. Then the Red Cross girl asking me if I was okay, as I coughed up water on her. I resent her.

Second suicide attempt at twelve years old. Always the outsider. They saw my fear. They fed on it. I wanted them to kill me. I gave them the opportunity. But they preferred perpetual torment. I swallowed about a tablespoon of mercury. I threw up and had a bad stomach ache. I failed again.

I hate humans. There is no such thing as humanity. There is only selfishness, greed, lust, and violence. No love. No justice. 

Third suicide attempt at 43 years old. My wife, at the time, cheated on me many times and got pregnant. She made me believe I was the father. I loved her and our son. I knew she was not faithful, but I was content. Then she started bringing men to the house. She told me that our son was not mine. She broke my heart. She broke my spirit. She broke my soul. She redirected her childhood torments into our relationship. She redirected her clients' problems into our relationship. So it began. Her family was rich, so they won the legal battle. Four bottles of painkillers and muscle relaxers dissolve in a bottle of rum. Darkness. Endless void. An understanding. Flash. I had made it. They stole it from me again. No heartbeat or brain activity for 10 minutes. I finally made it, but was robbed again. Damn doctors. 

Next time I will make it.

I don't want your sympathy. I don't want your pity. I want to be left the fuck alone. I trust no one.