My Jerry Springer marriage

Closing our first date, my ex-wife told me that I was a step up from her current boyfriend. We had talked for a week prior to the date and she never mentioned a boyfriend. I was used to hand me downs and did not think I deserved any better, so I opted to stay. I did not listen to that voice inside and run away.

I got her out of debt and married her. I got us a house. I was working my butt off. She made fun of me because I had a name tag on my work attire. Her sisters, brother, and brothers-in-law were doctors, computer experts, and other upwardly mobile workers. So I went to college to get a degree in business. And kept my 90 Hour Work Week.

She woke me up one morning crying. I asked what was the matter. She said, and I quote, ""I'm sorry. I'm pregnant. I did not mean to." I did not understand those words until years later when she told me that my son was not my biological son. Again, I did not listen to those voices and run away. Three times in the next 6 years you reminded me that he was not my biological son. I did not care. I loved him like he was mine. And I still do.

She admitted to me that she was a sex addict and had slept with 16 guys since we got married. She said some people do not steal for the monetary value but for the thrill of getting away with it. She said that's why she was cheating on me. The thrill of wondering if I would catch her made the sex better. The proverbial forbidden fruit.

And every day she told me she loved me. Every year she bought me a card and told me she loved me. All the while, she was having affairs. 11 years of lies, deceit,  and using her new knowledge of psychology to break me down. I will never trust anyone again. I will never open up to anyone ever again.

I asked her to stop. She said no. She was in love with her current fling. This is the Jerry Springer cherry on top. He was in his forties and married. He was cheating on his wife with a 17 year old that was married to a soldier in Indiana. At the same time he was cheating on his wife with my wife. My ex-wife even posed as a bridesmaid when the 40 year old man married to 17 year old girl.

She committed perjury four or five times in the divorce trial, claiming that she had no relationship with the man she is married to now. Her student of psychology. If there was ever a female narcissist, she is one. And so is her boy toy.

And they continue to lie about it to this day. Because she was his supervisor in studying Clinical Psychology and they would both lose their licenses. Their supervisor even warned them to be careful. But psychology doesn't care about adultery. Psychology is the liberal arts of placing the blame on others. 

And people wonder why I want nothing to do with Humanity anymore.

All of her letters, notes and flirtatious emails with her lover will be included in my book.

All I wanted was my son. Blood or not, he was my son. Blood or not, he is my son.

My white privilege

 I want to tell you the story have a little white boy that seems to have misplaced his privilege. That little white boy is a grown man now. He doesn't want your pity. He wants you to leave him the f*** alone. There is a rage inside of him every day that he has to fight to quell. You would never physically hurt another human. But he is still very self-destructive. Why? Because he does not want anyone else to feel when he has felt. That he is me.

When I was 8 years old, I was molested and sodomized by 2 black boys that were three or four years older than me. The adults that I talked to about the incident, told me not to tell my parents. The attackers' older brother was the star of the high school football team. They also told me that my dad would probably beat someone half to death and end up in jail. So I shut up. I had nightmares and still do. I tried to drown myself in a swimming pool a year later. Unfortunately, the Red Cross girl found me floating in the water. I wish I would have died right there.

A few months before I turned 10, we moved on to a Native American reservation. The day we arrived, the talk around the village was that of a white man who had his genitalia cut off and stuck in his mouth and his throat cut. They found him less than three miles from where I was going to be going to school. I got the shit kicked out of me every day. They used to hold me down and they would hold me down and grind their heels into my hands. They would choke me until I passed out. They hated me because I was white. They did unspeakable things to me. They threatened to kill my younger brothers if I did not do what they said. I did that homework. I let them win at things I could have easily won. I stole for them, to lessen my beatings.

I just want to know where the f*** the white privilege is in any of that. I could easily be a racist, but I'm not. I hate everyone. The entire human race. I look forward to the day it destroys itself.

There's a lot more to the story. You would not believe it. I'm tired of the lies, deceased, distrust, use, abuse, and hatefulness of humanity. Humanity is dead. 

I just want to be left alone.