Suicide is painless?

Suicide is far from painless. All the sadness and emptiness, that leads to suicide, fills the soul with a pain that is unequivocal. Leaving hope behind is the most agonizing feeling I have ever know. Recently, someone told me that I was wrong.  That what I described was depression. No. Depression leads up to that feeling. From the time of decision to the second of commitment, there is a mental and physical terror that takes over. Some turn within and remain withdrawn. Others lash out and push everyone away. Usually there is no escape from this hell. The flames of self destruction consume the individual. It might be minutes, days,  months, even years...but once the choice is made...it is done. 

Written 04/05/2019

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The fault is mine

I find it curious, yet disheartening, that humans pray for the perfect mate, and then deny  nature when that person arrives. The more perfect the relationship, the more doubt sets in. The imagined fantasy of mortal perfection  is realized.  There is no such thing. Soon thereafter,  problems  that do not exist are sought out. Tiny things that remind us of past relationships are Amplified into mental and emotional cancers. The guilt game begins, followed by the blame game. Answered prayers are tossed aside. Fate and destiny are destroyed. The realization of self infused iniquities arrive too late. Trust is lost and seldom regained. I have witnessed this and I have lived this. I have trusted too many times and been betrayed. Trust is now a shadow of a shadow in my world..

My Illusion That Told Me She Was An Illusion

The midnight sands swirl around my boots as I wander, lost in thought, across the barren crystalline shards. Memories left behind through thousands of years of love, written in the heavens, that slowly crumbled under mortal perceptions and decayed under feet of careless travelers. Trampled and forgotten by most. But I will never let go of such sacred bonds. Moments filled with the essence of a lifetime.  I will find her again. She was the one. She is the one.
The celestial beings will lead me home.
I am tired, worn and weary.  I must rest. Tomorrow, another day, will bring the warmth of a new hope, for there is little this night beyond the bitter chill of solitude. Just a few more steps. Just a few more...
When I first see her, I think her to be a mirage, an illusion,  a deception of light. But realize that the veil of night conceals such detail. What vision is this that I behold before me? Not but twice have I been stilled to silent awe. I must be asleep. Dreaming. Yes! That is it! But, no! I am quite lucid. Aware. Awake. Rubbing my eyes, I realize that through some ancient magic, she has  borrowed the paleness of the moon to color her skin. Her lips like 2 rose petals stolen from Eden. Eyes like gemstones pried from the crown of creation.

She smiled and whispered, "I am not real. I will disappear as quickly as I appeared." I did not listen. I fell in love.  

She disappeared.  

Written June 2018


I enjoyed the brief maelstrom of eternity,  but felt the cold fires of immortality.

Note to self: edit tenses. You're babbling.

The basic principles of humanity are dead

For most, love is a tool, conditional, or a social contract, used for personal gain. No matter the damage caused to others within the sphere. Emotional tools are very destructive and leave permanent scars. Choreographed conversations are used to construct conditions of commitment. Usually lies  to mislead and manipulate. And some avow love and enter a social contract for business reasons. True love is dead.

For many, trust is a mythical Beast. Something offered off-the-cuff and not usually meant. The dark fog of doubt is always hovering  above and around trust. Trust is no longer personal, it is destroyed by the embellishment of societal misfortune. Trust is dead.

For all, truth is only a perception. It has become normal for people to offer just enough truth to mislead other people. Truth with a safety net. Plausible deniability is now the footnote to truth. Truth is dead.

For me, justice is just a shadow of what used to define the soul of humanity. As long as I have something that someone else needs, I am useful. After that, I am just a pawn to be tossed aside. I am sacrificed on the pyre of someone else's guilt. Justice is dead.

I no longer desire any human interaction. I came in world alone and I will leave the world alone.

Written  Dec 2019

Covid 19

I am not doubting the existence of the China virus. I am attacking the politicalization of the virus. The progressive liberal socialist Democrats are using the virus as a weapon to hurt and destroy the middle class and lower class of America. They have made it into a monster to subjugate us into embracing socialism.

We have 100% faith in a hand sanitizer that alleges to kill 99% of all germs. Yet, we have become terrified of a virus that has a 99% survival rate.

It's not about saving lives. It's about controlling the masses. If the government wanted to save lives, they would make cigarettes illegal, make alcohol illegal, and make sugar illegal. All about the dollar sign. It's all about conformity. It's all about control.

The China virus is real, but it is not as dangerous as the government claims. The president of Tanzania used tests on a pig and a piece of fruit. Gave them false names and ages and submitted the test. Both came back positive. I have tested positive three different times. I donate blood every two months for the last year. They claim there is no evidence of the virus in my blood and no evidence that it has ever been in my system.

The government had a plan. They have been trying to get microchips in everyone for the last 15 years. The majority of people refused. The first plan what do you put microchips in all newborn babies. Their reason was to track all babies in case they are kidnapped. Lies! We didn't fall for it that time. Progressive liberal socialist Democrats are knocking President Trump's vaccine because it does not have a microchip in it. The New World Order is real. America is not on top of that pyramid. China is. That is why Vice President Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Nancy Pelosi have made deals with the Devil. China has paid all of them.

The release of the China virus was strategic. In 2005, 196 countries signed a legal document and agreed to allow the World Health Organization to release a respiratory virus into the air. The paper alleged that it was only a test to see how quickly the virus would spread and how quickly it could be contained. The Elite were waiting for the right moment. What better moment  than when  their worst nightmare is up for re-election? What better moment than when a Patriot steps forward and says America is no longer for sale? What better moment than when an American steps forward and says "America first!" What better moment to start racial riots? What better moment to defund the police? What better way to usher in socialism and the New World Order?

Stop staring at the pieces and put the puzzle together. Look at the big picture.

Alison E Yaklin, Chris Pourteau & Byron Alexander

Happy 18th birthday, Byron! I have missed you everyday for the last 12 years. I have prayed for your well-being every day.
One day, the truth will come out. Some of it will come out right now. In 2009, my attorney (not the drunken fool, but the lady) and the judge both told me that if I presented the facts that I had about your mother and Chris Pourteau, that they would both lose their licenses and you would be taken to a foster home and I would never see you again. They told me it was bad enough that you would lose one parent, that I should not press the issue so you lose both of your parents. I sacrificed my sanity.

The state forced me to take a pharmaceutical salad of pills. Apparently, I said a lot of strange things. I was not in control of my facilities. Drugs are not good. One psychologist diagnosed me with situational depression and said I did not need any drugs. She went on vacation and Dr Blackman claimed I was bipolar. She said she diagnoses everyone bipolar to be safe. She said she would rather lose a few normal people than let a few bad people slip through. I refused to take the pills. They strapped me to a chair and shot me up. They put me in a psychological straitjacket. I could not think. My mind just went crazy. That's what Alison & Chris do for a living. They lie, cheat, and steal people's lives.

I have no reason to lie. People lie when they're trying to save something. I've already lost everything. Truth is all that's left.
You're old enough now to know the truth. Chris was cheating on his wife with a 17-year-old married girl from Indiana while he was also having an affair with Alison. He married the 17-year-old and Alison was a bridesmaid. And your mother slept with him the night after he married Courtney. Courtney did not believe me when I told her that Chris was sleeping with Alison. Courtney thought I was crazy. Even the boss at Head Start told Alison and Chris to be careful. That they were treading on dangerous ground.

By no means am I an angel. But there is much believed that is not true. Chris told me to accept the divorce or else. He threatened that they would put my past out there and ruin my career. And then I would not be able to take care of you and your mother. I fought it for a while, but then I realized what was at stake. I wanted to keep fighting No, but I did not want you sent to a foster home.
After the courts looked over all the evidence and were ready to charge Alison and Chris, I had to act crazy so they would not believe any of it. I still have copies of every email between your mother and Chris. I still have everything your mother wrote. I loved her. I got her out of debt. I gave her a home. And she repaid Me by cheating on me and saying it was my fault because I worked too much. She told me some guys steal for the thrill of getting away with it, not for the monetary value. She said that's why she was having affairs. It gave her a thrill wondering if I would catch her. 16 guys in 11 years. She admitted all of it to me.
I did not want to leave you. You meant everything to me. But I could not let them pull you away and put you in a foster home.
Your mother blamed me for her childhood atrocities. There is so much.
The church has copies of all her correspondence with Chris while she was married to me. I submitted copies with the filing for an annulment.
I'm sorry this happened. There are so many conversations I wish I would have recorded. Chris telling me that he was having sex with Alison and that I needed to divorce her because she did not love me. That money married money. She did not care about my poor family. That he was going to be getting the money from her parents.
I did not care about anything except you. I miss you. I love you. I asked your mother to be civil until you graduated and then she could do what you wanted. I wanted to keep the family together. I begged her. She preferred Chris over our family. In the end, I said many things to try and hurt her as much as she had hurt me. I did not mean any of it. I never meant to hurt you.
Your mother told me that I was not your biological father. I did not care. You were my boy. And always will be.

I do not blame your mother. I blame her family and Chris. He is a wife-stealing piece of crap

I never cheated on your mother. Even after I found out about her affairs. I forgave her. I could have, but I chose not to. I had plenty of opportunities. But when I made a vow before her family, my family, and God, I chose to keep it.

Your mother and her lover can no longer hold a protective order over my head. They can not keep me from contacting you anymore.
No matter what you do, I will always love you. But try to always do good. Do no harm. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Avoid violence, if at all possible. Always think positive. The past is gone. It belongs to the dead. Leave it with them. The future has yet to be written.

I was condemned for things that I did not do. I was angry for many years. It's what happens when you cannot afford a lawyer. But things are going to change very soon. I'm no longer angry. I will see justice served.

I did not abandon you. Chris scared your mother into a protective order to keep me away.