Suicide is painless?

Suicide is far from painless. All the sadness and emptiness, that leads to suicide, fills the soul with a pain that is unequivocal. Leaving hope behind is the most agonizing feeling I have ever know. Recently, someone told me that I was wrong.  That what I described was depression. No. Depression leads up to that feeling. From the time of decision to the second of commitment, there is a mental and physical terror that takes over. Some turn within and remain withdrawn. Others lash out and push everyone away. Usually there is no escape from this hell. The flames of self destruction consume the individual. It might be minutes, days,  months, even years...but once the choice is made...it is done. 

Written 04/05/2019

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The fault is mine

I find it curious, yet disheartening, that humans pray for the perfect mate, and then deny  nature when that person arrives. The more perfect the relationship, the more doubt sets in. The imagined fantasy of mortal perfection  is realized.  There is no such thing. Soon thereafter,  problems  that do not exist are sought out. Tiny things that remind us of past relationships are Amplified into mental and emotional cancers. The guilt game begins, followed by the blame game. Answered prayers are tossed aside. Fate and destiny are destroyed. The realization of self infused iniquities arrive too late. Trust is lost and seldom regained. I have witnessed this and I have lived this. I have trusted too many times and been betrayed. Trust is now a shadow of a shadow in my world..

My Illusion That Told Me She Was An Illusion

The midnight sands swirl around my boots as I wander, lost in thought, across the barren crystalline shards. Memories left behind through thousands of years of love, written in the heavens, that slowly crumbled under mortal perceptions and decayed under feet of careless travelers. Trampled and forgotten by most. But I will never let go of such sacred bonds. Moments filled with the essence of a lifetime.  I will find her again. She was the one. She is the one.
The celestial beings will lead me home.
I am tired, worn and weary.  I must rest. Tomorrow, another day, will bring the warmth of a new hope, for there is little this night beyond the bitter chill of solitude. Just a few more steps. Just a few more...
When I first see her, I think her to be a mirage, an illusion,  a deception of light. But realize that the veil of night conceals such detail. What vision is this that I behold before me? Not but twice have I been stilled to silent awe. I must be asleep. Dreaming. Yes! That is it! But, no! I am quite lucid. Aware. Awake. Rubbing my eyes, I realize that through some ancient magic, she has  borrowed the paleness of the moon to color her skin. Her lips like 2 rose petals stolen from Eden. Eyes like gemstones pried from the crown of creation.

She smiled and whispered, "I am not real. I will disappear as quickly as I appeared." I did not listen. I fell in love.  

She disappeared.  

Written June 2018


I enjoyed the brief maelstrom of eternity,  but felt the cold fires of immortality.

Note to self: edit tenses. You're babbling.

The basic principles of humanity are dead

For most, love is a tool, conditional, or a social contract, used for personal gain. No matter the damage caused to others within the sphere. Emotional tools are very destructive and leave permanent scars. Choreographed conversations are used to construct conditions of commitment. Usually lies  to mislead and manipulate. And some avow love and enter a social contract for business reasons. True love is dead.

For many, trust is a mythical Beast. Something offered off-the-cuff and not usually meant. The dark fog of doubt is always hovering  above and around trust. Trust is no longer personal, it is destroyed by the embellishment of societal misfortune. Trust is dead.

For all, truth is only a perception. It has become normal for people to offer just enough truth to mislead other people. Truth with a safety net. Plausible deniability is now the footnote to truth. Truth is dead.

For me, justice is just a shadow of what used to define the soul of humanity. As long as I have something that someone else needs, I am useful. After that, I am just a pawn to be tossed aside. I am sacrificed on the pyre of someone else's guilt. Justice is dead.

I no longer desire any human interaction. I came in world alone and I will leave the world alone.

Written  Dec 2019